Another long post for my girls, for all the single ladies, because many have asked about it over coffee and there may be others who would benefit from hearing, but wouldn’t ask. You know, like in math class.
Let me tell you a story from a few years back, because we need to be talking about how wrong the world’s loud and glittering broadcasts are about what a heart’s worth.
Because once upon a time I would have been married today…
I’d rehearsed the words a thousand times
To midnight skies and passing road signs,
Without his arms to still my shaking,
Voice unsteady, my heart aching,
Beginning to grasp the truth through tears,
Piercing Light exposing fears.
Bright eyes arrive. Breathe in, breathe out.
No more fear, no more doubt.
The Truth a sword, separating
Joint, marrow; loving, hating.
He walks away. I step inside.
Our intertwined paths divide.
I couldn’t breathe. Two weeks prior we knew we’d be married some day and now… now he was bringing me a coffee at work and the words weighing heavy on my heart were burning my throat.
Through years of relentless seeking and feeding on His faithfulness, certain desires for life had been etched into my heart by a loving God. This man sitting in front of me, this handsome, kind, funny, hard-working man had no place in those desires. And now… now I had to tell him.
No one saw it coming apart from us. Even we were avoiding the truth with humor and silence, star gazing and ring shopping. We became terrified of questions because the string of answers tied our hearts to the conclusion that we needed to put our dreams down. So we just didn’t ask.
In truth, we had each selfishly pursued our relationship in vain attempts to heal heart wounds that God and only God could heal. We were two hurting people only hurting each other more.
In truth, my love and his were defined in two entirely different and contradictory ways. In truth, being handsome, kind, funny and hard-working is not the same as being equally yoked.
I didn’t have it in me to let go. I didn’t have it in me to see pain in his eyes caused by my words. I didn’t have it in me to face some of the days I’ve faced without his strong arms to hold me. Years have passed, and sometimes I still think I don’t have it in me. Remember this, though, sister: those are lies. Dirty lies. The strength of Heaven is in us to do all that we need to do. God’s love is swift and great. Always.
There’s more to the story, but the moral is this: Never settle. All roads hold heart ache, but the right ones are always worth choosing. Just in case that was too easily missed… All roads hold heart ache. The right ones are always worth choosing.
For your sake and his, for the sake of the one you will love rightly some day and those you will encounter along the way, have some respect. Respect each of them enough to boldly pursue what is right for your heart in the wisdom God will provide. Don’t be afraid to be gracefully honest. The God who loves you loves them too. Let that sink in.
Marriage is for life; don’t let the love you think would be great keep you from the love God knows would be best. Love received as well as love given. Pray, read the word, let the wise counsel in, and your heart will know.
He wanted a farm on a hillside with a white picket fence. I wanted a plane ticket to the furthest, darkest corners of the earth. We both rightly desired good things, irrevocable desires fashioned by God Himself, which we ignored for a season in the name of “happiness.” Wouldn’t you know it, after all this time, we each still want and have those things.