I’d rehearsed the words a thousand times
To midnight skies and passing road signs,
Without his arms to still my shaking,
Voice unsteady, my heart aching,
Beginning to grasp the truth through tears,
Piercing Light exposing fears.
Bright eyes arrive. Breathe in, breathe out.
No more fear, no more doubt.
The Truth a sword, separating
Joint, marrow; loving, hating.
He walks away. I step inside.
Our intertwined paths divide.
I couldn’t breathe. Two weeks prior we knew we’d be married some day and now… now he was bringing me a coffee at work and the words weighing heavy on my heart were burning my throat.
Through a few years of intentionally seeking hard after God and feeding on His faithfulness, certain desires for life had been etched into my heart. This man sitting in front of me, this handsome, kind, funny, hard-working man had no place in those desires. And now I had to tell him.
No one saw it coming apart from us. Even we were avoiding the truth with humor and silence, star gazing and ring shopping. We became terrified of questions because the string of answers tied our hearts to the conclusion that we needed to put our dreams down. So we just didn’t ask.
In truth, we had each selfishly pursued our relationship in vain attempts to heal heart wounds that God and only God could heal.
In truth, being handsome, kind, funny and hard-working is not the same as being equally yoked.
In truth, our relationships with the Lord were not the same.
I didn’t have it in me to let go. I didn’t have it in me to see pain in his eyes caused by my words. I didn’t have it in me to not have his strong arms to hold me at least every now and then. But those were lies. I had and have Christ and the strength of Heaven in me to do all that I need to do. Swift, strong, gloriously sufficient. Always.
To this day my heart is steadfast, happy and healthy.
There’s more to the story, but the moral is this: Never settle. All roads hold heart ache, but the right ones are always worth choosing. Just in case that was too easily missed… All roads hold heart ache. The right ones are always worth choosing.